Technicality Man: Chapter 8
Posted by childofthehive | Filed under Original fiction, Technicality Man
The Adventures of Technicality Man: The Rise of COMPSCI
Chapter 8: Concerning Actual Plotline
“We need to work out what’s happened to the cats,” said Bemused Girl, “do you have any natural enemies?” She turned to Continuity Leopard. Who wasn’t there.
There was a brief panic as the members of COMPSCI hunted for a large jungle cat. Traditional Bluetac Gatherer got a little carried away with the metaphor and started using a spear.
“It’s probably nothing,” said Technicality Man. “He’s always disappearing off to see that plot points aren’t forgotten.”
“But how can we be sure he’s not in danger?”
“If we can carry on with the story, we’ll know he’s OK.”
“So we just continue aimlessly wandering around an evil lair, unarmed and bound to be attacked at any minute?”
“Basically.”
The ominous soundtrack carried on from where it had left off before the interruption by punctuation. The team crept down dark and menacing corridors. There seemed to be a lot more base than the apparent population demanded. It was probably another case of the owner planning for expansion but failing to put together production capital. Or everyone was at the office Christmas party.
“So we’ve had the easily overcome attack,” said Bemused Girl, “what’s next?”
“Either we get captured by a more vicious attack, we find the villain and overhear his plot or we get separated, allowing the author to use both plot devices at once.”
“I’ll give you even money on option c,” said Origami Man.
“You’re running a betting business now?” Technicality Man sounded horrified.
“With what you pay me, I need to make my money somewhere.”
What with the gambling and the ebaying, Technicality Man was beginning to have his doubts about letting Origami Man fund the secret base. At this rate, he’d be hosting bittorrent sites on the supercomputer. Once people started down that road, there was no telling where it would end. Before long, they’d be not validating tram tickets and letting people see movies underage.
Before Technicality Man’s moral dilemma could detract them from the plot any further, they found a door.
“The architect in this place isn’t very good,” said Chesty Cough Girl, “since that’s the first door we’ve reached in the past couple of chapters.”
“We haven’t really been looking,” said Technicality Man.
There was a brief argument over who got to go in first. Technicality Man had to give out a yellow card for improper use of elbows. The team shoved Bemused Girl through the door, so she stood face to back with a couple of security guards, who sat in front of a row of monitors. Most showed different rooms of the base, including the path COMPSCI had taken. The guards were rather more concerned with another monitor, showing an intense game of Mortal Kombat.
“Try back, low punch, block, low kick,” Bemused Girl suggested.
“Sub-Zero wins!” announced the computer.
“Cheers,” said the guard, “I was using up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.”
“That’s the Konami code,” said Bemused Girl, “and the start isn’t actually part of the code.”
“Um, who are you?” asked the other guard, clearly sulking at having just been beaten.
“You don’t know who I am?” She poured her best bemusement into the question.
“I don’t think I do, but you look vaguely familiar. Are you that new intern we’re supposed to be getting?” Bemused Girl didn’t answer, just letting the man ramble on. The other guard was somewhat more aware of what was happening, but a cough from Chesty Cough Girl kept him subdued.
“If you are the intern,” the guy said, “I think you’re meant to be over at EL3. That’s evil lab three. The scientists there can put together an Armageddon virus but can’t make their own cups of tea.” He started to give directions to the lab, but Origami Man interrupted him by shoving a tranquilliser needle into his arm.
“Where did you find that?” Bemused Girl asked as the guard collapsed unconscious.
“It was lying on the desk.”
“But how do you know what’s in it?”
“It says it’s a mild tranquilliser. If it’s not, we can sue the manufacturers.”
“But you shouldn’t take a risk like that on something found lying around an evil lair. We had lectures on this stuff in super-hero training.”
“I always skipped the ethics lectures,” said Origami Man.
“But that’s unethical.”
“I think we’ve got a bigger problem,” said Chesty Cough Girl. She was looking at one of the security camera monitors. The screen displayed a large room, packed with cages, in each one a cramped cat. There was Correct Punctuation Lion, and Sexual Attraction Lynx, and Obscure Usage of a Semi-Colon Ocelot. But it wasn’t just the good cats that were imprisoned. There was The Cheater and Censorship Panther. Good, bad and miscellaneous, the cats were being captured and brought here.
“Greenpeace are not going to be happy,” said Traditional Bluetac Gatherer.
“How could someone do this?” asked Bemused Girl, “Why would someone do this?”
“I don’t know how,” said Technicality Man, “but I can guess at why. The cats control all aspects of stories. If someone could control them, they could re-write the world. All the old clichés and the Laws of Narrative Practice would fall apart. The bad guys could win. And they could make sure no one else could stop them.”
“But how can we stop them? If they’ve got all the cats.”
“They haven’t got all of them yet. Our only chance is to stop them soon. Once every cat is in their power, we’re doomed.”
Tags: adventure, cats, Original fiction, superheroes, Technicality Man
Technicality Man: Tangent 3
Posted by childofthehive | Filed under Original fiction, Technicality Man
The Adventures of Technicality Man: The Rise of COMPSCI
Tangent 3: Concerning Sexual Attraction
The cats had a very complicated family life. Even the most dysfunctional of human families seemed perfectly rational compared to the complex relationships between the feline guardians of the stories. It didn’t help that nearly half of them were evil. Sexual Attraction Lynx struggled at most gatherings because he wasn’t sure where he fitted. Prudish Manx was convinced he couldn’t be good but Sexual Attraction Lynx didn’t think he was evil and really didn’t want to be.
It wasn’t his fault what happened whenever he was around. His powers were enacted by the use of pheromones that he had no way to stop or control. He would have loved to care for another domain. His job meant he had a lot of acquaintances, but he knew better than anyone they weren’t interested in his personality.
It was hard to form any sort of meaningful relationship when everyone was after his body. Besides, he was worked to death since fanfics became popular. It used to be that he had a strong domain over romance storylines and could occasionally dabble in other genres. Now he was having a hard time keeping up with the number of sexy, brooding vampires that seemed to be occurring at an exponentially increasing rate.
He probably wouldn’t have minded his job so much if the other cats were more sympathetic. But those like Continuity Leopard and Correct Punctuation Lion could control their powers. They didn’t understand what he went through. They didn’t understand the chaos that occurred in those around him whenever he manifested.
His brooding was interrupted by a menacing sound behind him. Sexual Attraction Lynx turned. His surprise at who he saw there was rapidly overtaken by anger.
That traitor!
Tags: adventure, cats, Original fiction, superheroes, Technicality Man
Technicality Man: Tangent Two
Posted by childofthehive | Filed under Original fiction, Technicality Man
The Adventures of Technicality Man: The Rise of COMPSCI
Tangent Two: Concerning Punctuation
Correct Punctuation Lion was patrolling the many forums on the internet and coming to the conclusion that his best course of action would be to destroy the whole thing. Did no one remember when to use capital letters? Poor, innocent full stops were being hideously abused and the things that were done with commas didn’t bear thinking about.
He prowled his domain and wished he could have a physical presence on the net to get these people. Especially since that unfortunate flaming incident. Thankfully Metaphorical Jaguar had managed to sort that mess out. It was very nice of him to lend a paw since he was so busy with the fences most of the time.
He thought he might need to alert Obscure Usage Of A Semi-Colon Ocelot, but it turned out to just be a typo. Though how anyone could replace a ‘q’ with a semi-colon by mistake was beyond him.
He gave up with a sigh. There were some things not even a superheroic lion could tackle and one of them was the number of appalling grammatical errors made online. He turned his computer off with considerable difficulty and wished, if not for an opposable thumb, at least a hand of some description. The guys at Dell claimed to make computers to order, but they didn’t go to the extent of making one he could use easily.
Just as he was thinking a few thoughts Censorship Panther wouldn’t be happy about, Correct Punctuation Lion heard a noise behind him. As he turned to investigate it, there was a noise of an impact and the narrative switched back to the main storyline with some ominous music.
Tags: cats, Original fiction, superheroes, Technicality Man
Technicality Man: Tangent One
Posted by childofthehive | Filed under Original fiction, Technicality Man
The Adventures of Technicality Man: The Rise of COMPSCI
Tangent One: Concerning Cats
The world was based on stories. Characters played their parts in the plots, both epic and sub, their interactions building up the narratives. Those stories had their own laws, sometimes powerful enough to make the laws of physics seem like mere guidelines. But someone had to maintain those stories, ensuring that the rules were being followed.
That role was played by the cats. As a species, they were the guardians of stories, above the battles between the heroes and villains. It wasn’t enough for events to just happen one after another. The cats ensured that the narrative structure was maintained. They patrolled the fourth wall, each maintaining their own element, from the powerful Continuity Leopard maintaining consistency in the plot to Narrative Pace Cougar who could build up the tension at the right rate. But in any species, there had to be someone at the bottom of the social heap. Among the cats, that was Cricket.
Cricket’s element was extremely obscure references. That put him in a difficult position. If he made sure references were particularly obscure, people didn’t get them and they resented him. But if people understood, they then claimed the references clearly weren’t obscure enough and they said he wasn’t doing his job properly. He couldn’t win.
It didn’t help him feel better that the others were all powerful creatures like Lions, Jaguars and Panthers. Cricket was a grotty old housecat with a limp.
Even Tangent Tiger got more respect than he did and he’d thrown in his lot with a villain.
Wait a minute!
Cricket looked round. He was in a tangent. How was that possible?
He had to get to Chester Zoo!
Tags: adventure, cats, Cricket, Original fiction, parody, superheroes, Technicality Man, writing
