Technicality Man: Chapter One
Posted by childofthehive | Filed under Original fiction, Technicality Man
This story started as pure silliness. A writing group I went to had a conversation one meeting about absurd superhero identities and powers. We came up with a list of these silly characters. Then, when we played a writing game, I wrote a few of those characters into a short story. At the time, I never expected it to turn into anything. Over the next few meetings, I reused those characters in other writing games.
Pretty soon, I noticed that there was some sort of plot forming. So I kept writing the thing. I had to go back and completely rewrite the opening, which was horribly disjointed, but it led to a complete story. I didn’t write this believing it had any commercial potential. I was just having fun. Ultimately, that’s the point. I love writing and it was great to relax and write something so absurd. Therefore, I make no appologies for the appalling puns and invite you to enjoy this first chapter of:
The Adventures of Technicality Man:
The Rise of COMPSCI
Chapter One – Concerning the End of the World
Apocalypses had happened so frequently in recent years that people weren’t particularly worried about this latest one. There was considerable annoyance, especially from those who’d been swimming or drinking at the time, but generally there was a sense of admiration. Alchemisto was an old-school villain; when he set about destroying the world, he did it in style.
So, as all water was turned to blood, people went about their daily lives as best they could and waited for the superheroes to put things right.
At first, everything went well. Alchemisto’s arch nemesis, Geologist Man, initiated an ultimate confrontation to determine the fate of the world. There followed a climactic battle of spectacular proportions. Sidekicks were put in mortal peril as Good For Nothing Boy and Working Girl tried to aid their respective bosses. Buildings exploded dramatically and unnecessarily. The fighters on both sides performed stunts that would kill normal people. Alchemisto attempted the traditional tactic of threatening Geologist Man’s true love. Unfortunately for him, Geologist Man’s love was Squirrel Ninja, a member of Team Geode and a formidable hero in her own right.
After the elaborately choreographed fight sequence, the members of Team Geode managed to hold back Good For Nothing Boy while Geologist Man unleashed his Awesome Powers of Rock (TM).
Alchemisto was defeated and destroyed.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried Good For Nothing Boy.
And then … nothing.
The world did not return to normal.
According to the Laws of Narrative Practice, the defeat of a supervillain in a suitably dramatic fashion ought to have undone his latest act of evil. Team Geode had acted according to the Laws, but something had gone wrong and now not even the cats knew what was happening. The oceans remained bloody and the crisis deepened.
Governments argued and bickered and blamed each other, or whatever political party had been in power before them. Armies were mobilised, on the lookout for zombies, aliens or the anti-Christ. Rather more discretely, the superheroes and villains of the world contacted their respective sources, sometimes having to wander round the block a few times so that they didn’t accidentally bump into their arch-nemesis, who had just happened to be before them in the queue for information.
It was at times like this that Technicality Man wished he wasn’t, technically, a superhero. Ordinary people were able to have faith that the heroes would put things right. Technicality Man knew that the heroes were stumped. He sat in his musty flat, watching his fish doing the backstroke in the bloody bowl. In the ceiling, the stain left by the ever-present damp patch was far redder than it used to be. He sighed at his threadbare carpet and wondered, as he so often did, what it would be like to have a superpower that was actually useful when the world was threatened.
Rather than sitting around feeling sorry for himself, he decided to walk the leopard.
His relationship with Continuity Leopard was a strange one. As one of the supercats, Continuity Leopard maintained plot continuity in all the stories. He had powers that went well beyond those of any mere superhero. Their initial team-up had been a convenient response to match joined forces of Ultimate Licence and the leopard’s own nemesis, Tangent Tiger. Since then, Continuity Leopard had stuck around. Sometimes Technicality Man thought it was just because the big cat felt sorry for him.
He wandered along damp pavements, Continuity Leopard padding along beside him. They passed an electronics store with TV screens showing the news footage of the current situation. A tentacled monstrosity had risen from the depths and was taking its anger out on a small fishing boat. Chesty Cough Girl was trying to defend the civilians. As Technicality Man watched, she flung a tin of shortbread into the ocean and the monster, apparently deciding that biscuits tasted nicer than fishermen, swam off after it.
Another screen was replaying footage of the fight between Alchemisto and Geologist Man. He watched for a bit, trying to work out what had gone wrong. Then he saw it. There was no body. The Laws of Narrative Practice clearly stated that if there was no body at the end of a climactic battle, the villain was bound to return for a sequel.
Alchemisto was still alive!
Now that he knew this, Technicality Man had to do something about it. But what? He supposed the obvious action would be to confront Alchemisto and try to convince him to restore the world’s water. To do that, he had to find him.
Technicality Man turned to Continuity Leopard and explained that there was no way for the plot of his story to continue unless he tracked down Alchemisto. Continuity Leopard sighed but acquiesced, and Technicality Man found himself standing on a path by a waterfall. The secret entrance would probably have been more secret if there hadn’t been a doorbell and a sign saying, “If out, please leave mail with Necromanto.”
Technicality Man edged carefully along the path behind the waterfall, not wanting to get blood splashes on his cape. He burst dramatically into the lair.
“Hi,” muttered Good For Nothing Boy, not bothering to look round. He was slouched on a beanbag, using the supercomputer to play Mortal Kombat.
“Where’s Alchemisto?” Technicality Man was not about to be put off by this surprisingly calm reception.
“Sulking in the kitchen. He and Alchemistress had a fight. She says he only did all this to get out of doing his share of the washing up and laundry.”
There had been worse reasons used as excuses to bring about Armageddon. Technicality Man headed through a door and, sure enough, found Alchemisto sitting at the kitchen table, moping over a glass of whiskey.
“Alchemisto, I am here to order you to restore the world’s water to … water.”
“Don’t you think I want to? I’m thirsty, my supersuit hasn’t been washed in a week and now my wife’s mad at me for having another excuse not to give her a romantic bubble bath.”
“But your power is to turn stuff into other stuff. Surely it works in reverse.”
“Yes, but I turned all water into blood. If I turn all blood into water, everyone in the world will die.” Alchemisto sighed, “I suppose I can always reverse time.”
“No way. Do you know how many laws of physics that breaks?”
“It worked for Superm-“
Technicality Man glared at him with the anger most small-time heroes felt on the subject of a certain person with more powers than was decent.
“There has to be a way to undo this,” Technicality Man said. “Why don’t we call our respective sides and try to work together?”
The backing track rose to a climax as Alchemisto said, with an expression of shock:
“You mean, team up?”
Tags: Original fiction, science fiction, superheroes, Technicality Man
